There seems to be an inverse relationship between the level to which I agree philosophically and theologically with a particular religion … the degree to which I am comfortable with the language and assumptions and interpretations of a religion … and the degree to which that religion shows evidence of a significant spiritual expression. Much to my consternation, if I am honest about my experiences, (and please let me be clear about the subjective nature of my experiences) I have to say that the churches I visit that are closest to my thinking comfort zone are farthest from my spiritualization hopes. And the ones with which I have the least in common … the ones that I find based in a theological and philosophical assumptive ness that baffles me, tend to be where I see and feel the spirit moving. This is very subjective. I have been in dead churches that I disagree with, and I have felt the spirit in churches I am aligned with. But there is a general theme along these lines to the extent that I find myself facing the question: Do I go to the church I am in agreement with intellectually and values wise and accept a lackluster spirituality, or do I go to the church that I am completely unable to accept doctrinally, that has the stronger spiritual expression? The deeper questions, of course, have to do with why I see it this way? Is my intellectual agreement with a religions premise and tenor something that by necessity tamps down the potential for free expression of soulfulness. That would be ironic being that my intellectualism is suppose to be so liberal and open. Does God mess with me by showing more spirituality in a church I don’t agree with to get me to tamp down my intellectualism? Maybe I mistake something else for spirit moving, or just don’t see it when I am too at home in a place. Maybe I am too intellectually inclined for my own good in a realm where ignorance is bliss. Maybe. My problem is that I want to embrace a church but I don’t see myself embracing doctrines and premise that conflicts with my basic values and character. I have been in that situation and it doesn’t work. And I can’t seem to find a church that is fulfilling and embraceable. My resolution at present is to attend and tolerate, but not embrace, while doing what I can on my own to connect spiritually. This is a holding pattern that lacks the connection of community I long for. So I am still seeking.

I am a practical person. You might not think that from the sorts of things I write about. Esoteric topics like ego and mysticism, spirituality and attachment, illusion and centeredness…. These sorts of things present themselves as issues I confront, not out of idle interest or philosophic leisure play, but as real world inhibitors to real world progress. I want to move forward. Mostly this means with respects to actualization. …of some sensed latent potential. ….of some expectation?
What ever it is, it drives me to seek more understanding of my condition. More understanding of why I can do, or can not do, in life, what I attempt. As a carpenter, I find that most of what I do is attempt to solve problems. How do you make a tree that grows in fractal geometry, conform to my angular notion of a cupboard? In life the process is similar. I find myself confronting problems. Often it is my ego. Which I have come to see in many different ways, but which often presents itself as a problem. A limitation. A stumbling stone. As in: why I might not try something new, or why I might put up with something unpleasant and unnecessary. And I often discover that my ego, being afraid to try something new, or having some ulterior motive to control, or protect some ground, is behind my self-squelching. Sometimes to my benefit, and sometimes to my detriment. It particularly puzzles me when find my ego is operating in ways that produce disastrous consequences. My point is simply that I go into such topics, not to while away the morning, but because I am working. I am engaged. Even if the engagement is directed toward learning how to disengage.