Thursday, June 11, 2009
Whether I endure this day or enjoy it is not so much a matter of what the day consists of, or what will happen, or where I will spend it, or with whom, but will depend on the choice I make. My disposition, as I am realizing pointedly over the past few years, is absolutely in my control. Unlike so much else. My disposition is not actually circumstance dependent. There is, I have to acknowledge, a mass of inertia built up in favor of blame and projection, with regards to how I think I am feeling. My mind seems wired for the immediate transport of responsibility for my mood onto what ever vehicle is handy. Thinking itself relieved, somehow, from the burden of ownership. Yet the price of blame is emotional freedom. For every time I use the blame, I place the power of control over my disposition into some exterior factor. My mood is controlled by someone else’s mood, or by the whether, or by some small annoyance, or by circumstances beyond my control. Frequently, lately, I catch myself all worked up and angry about something I decided to do, and have to realize that I was the one who set this task for myself. No one makes me do anything. I am not in prison or in a totalitarian state. I am free. Which means I, ultimately, own my choices. But what if I have not chosen, historically, very well. What if my life is a consequence of past decisions that are all conspiring to work against my well being.. Can’t I blame the circumstances that made such choices seem necessary to me. Why didn’t I make choices that would have put me in a more financially secure situation? Or made choices that would have made me healthier, or would have had me living on a beach somewhere with leisure time. Can’t I legitimately bemoan my misfortune at having not been born to make better choices? Well, yes I can, if that is what I want to choose to see. But there I am making that choice. And that choice is effecting my disposition. So it seems clear to me that one thing I absolutely own, and have complete responsibility for is my own disposition. And I exercise this control with every breath. And so no matter what is going on, or what the circumstances of my day are, I am controlling my emotional response to the circumstances. And I have a choice. No matter what. I have a choice. And it doesn’t matter how much I am justified in one response or another. I still have a choice to see each occurrence creativity, or to choose to accept, or be at peace, or to be greatfull, Just as much as I can choose t be ticked off, or cheated. The resulting disposition is what I have to live with. I think I have to keep reminding myself of this over and over and maybe it will become more actionable.