Wednesday, July 21, 2010

I acquiesce. That is what I do. That is why my life looks like what it looks like today. That is why I live in Missouri, a state I don't actually care for. I acquiesced. That is why I got mixed up with a strange and profoundly un-me-like church. And why I accepted, and tried to act out a priesthood office in said church. Because I acquiesce. The decisions I make, and have made, are largely what they are because I am an acquiescer. An acquiescer is someone who, for lack of a better plan, or a stronger heart felt desire, or a more certain sense of direction, or goal orientation, acquiesces to the more dominant forces manifest at the time. It is not that I do not have my own ideas and notions and interests in how things might go. It is that I lack the conviction that my interests and desires are as important, or as significant, or as pressing as the interests expressed around me. I am someone who tends to figure I can find a way to do what I want to do later, or when it is not an inconvenience to anyone else. This is not a good way to conduct the endeavor of living. An acquiescer is, by nature, a confrontation weeny. We do not like to confront people with our version of what should be taking place. We would rather avoid confrontation, and to do so, often agree to things we don't really want to do. This is a defective strategy, because it doesn't work. Eventually we have to come to terms with the fact that we are not actually doing what we want to do, and it leaks out, and people sense we don't want to be doing that, and then it just gets messy. It is a far better strategy to just be up front with what you want in the beginning. Ah, but better strategy does not always trump inherent nature. It may well be that I am what I am, for better or worse. (note to self: get the acquiescer thing worked out before the next life time)

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