Saturday, July 10, 2010

it's in the nature of bitterness and resentment that we feel ourselves uniquely afflicted. of course we are not. these blights on the human condition are as common as warts and pimples. i will do well to remember this when i am struggling. to remember that what i am going through is a territory as vast as a desert. souls are being dragged through this emotion-scape all the time, surviving, dying, getting lost, coming through it. people all around me. it is part of the condition of being alive. i also know - very well - that resentment and bitterness are insidious mental and emotional distortions that contain the power to destroy me. i am not fool enough to ignore their potency. i have a sober respect for the live sucking potential of a good indulgement. they are not easily put off. one not acutely afflicted is naively dismissive. it is when we are suffering in them that we appreciate the full seriousness of the battle. my life is consistent in its insistence that i go through The Full Monty. no half measure trials. no learning via the vicarious. i wonder if at some fool point i wished this fate on myself. but i suspect it is life being life. life on life's terms. i am want to give myself over to all that resentment and bitterness have to offer. it is in my nature to be indulgent of such dark wines. but i know that when i hear myself say to myself "so and so has done this to me", or "such and such has made me like this", i am in a perilous place. no. no one has done this to me. no one has made my life anything. i made it what it is. how sweet a temptation to place the blame on another, and how insidious a lie. a lie the likes of which are an imprisonment. one of our own creation. it is not for me to live that way. it may be my first nature, but it is not my better nature. it is not what i will give in to. my choice is clear. i will indulge the press of resentment and bitterness, or i will reach with all my might, mind, and soul for the ability to be responsible, and accountable, for my own disposition. the one option leads me to destruction and ruin. of this i have no doubt. the other leads to the capacity to let go and live in the present. in as much as i am able. so there is no real choice. only real struggle. as is the seeming consequence of being alive. so be it. bring it on. i am not dead yet.

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