Sunday, June 16, 2013

It’s been a good day, can’t sleep now.  I couldn’t sleep last night.  The moon’s position, the alignment of stars, neurons firing for no real reason…, I don’t really know.  But it’s ok.  I will sleep another time.  I am trying, this eve, to position things in my house.  Looking for that elegant solution.  Maybe it’s there, maybe it isn’t.  It doesn’t really matter.  Someday I will wish I had all these moments back. It will haunt me that I didn’t spend them more intentionally.   But tonight, I don’t care too much about someday. I am just here today.  And today is ok.  And if I puts away a precious eve…, perhaps I will pay the tax of regret in some end of life perspective accounting.  I may say, “Yea, you are right.  I should have been doing more.”  So send me back and I will try to do better next time.  There is a point you come to in life when you realize you won’t change the world.  You won’t be a hero, or a martyr, or a player in the game.  You won’t realize those dreams you dreamed.  You will just be among the innumerable souls that came and took this ride.  Emm…   so harsh a thing to say….  So sad.  So pessimistic.  Yea.  But is it so bad?  Does a tree in the forest regret not changing the world?  Does a sunset wish it would be more effective?  Does a rain storm go away depressed if it doesn’t make a difference?  I don’t think so.  I think we are what we are and we do what we do.  And in the end….   I don’t know…, maybe it isn’t so much about whether we changed the course of history, or whether we were an anonymous soul living out a day to day existence.  Maybe it all boils down to whether we were simply conscious, or not, of the simple fact that we were alive.  That we had a breath to breathe in a moment of time.   Did we even know we were breathing it?  What did I do today?  Not much really.  But it was s nice day.  A very nice day.  

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